Shame Yourself to Skinny
Yesterday’s post about Chris Christie’s weight generated a lot of good discussion here and elsewhere—and it got me thinking about shame and whether or not we could or should use it to influence others to better health.
In fact, some have taken the stance that we should shame people into losing weight.
There are a lot of problems with being fat and shame is a common experience for many of us. Be it from critical remarks from people, a self-criticizing inner voice, air-brushed visions of beauty, or a broken heart left by another broken person.
Should we shame ourselves or others into getting healthy?
Should the ends (better health) justify whatever means (shame)?
My new friend Marion wrote a great article where, to paraphrase, she basically said that not only is shame/resentment a poor reason to pursue health but it also makes it more likely that you’ll quit.
I agree—but I have a confession to make.
Monday I ate maybe 9 pieces of pizza. I’m talking a total binge—just several hours after letting loose for the big game.
Frustrated (maybe even ashamed), I went to the gym for a second workout that evening.
Now I know it’s not that easy to undue the damage of overeating at lunch, but if I could so easily return to that pizza box, or to that buffet line, or get a thiiird helping—can’t I pull a double at the gym to at least think about my choices?
Is that shame? I honestly don’t know.
It’s generally good practice to consider your own motives for pursuing health. I’m sure, looking back, I’ll find that I had good + bad reasons to get healthy.
But I do know that while shame may motivate us to overtrain or eat celery for lunch, it has no consistent place in sustainable living.
- Shame may get us off the couch today, but what about tomorrow?
- Shame may push us to starve ourselves this week after so many failures last week—but what happens week 3?
- Shame may be the reason we melted fat in January, but what will keep the heart rate up and calories down in February?
We care about the voice of shame until we don’t—then we go into default mode.
Diets are built for shame. You enjoyed carbs/sweets/friedness too much—and now, to punish you, they are forbidden— you disgusting fatbody.
Forbidden until a human moment of weakness—enter the binge—then more shame—then back to the diet. Rinse + repeat.
If shame is the reason we pursue health, it will also be the reason we aren’t satisfied when we do reach our goals. More likely, shame will probably be the reason we quit.
Losing weight is hard….even after knocking off the first 100, and shame doesn’t take me anywhere worth going.
Last week someone sent a message through my blog saying “I want to kill you, you fat *****.” Sadly, I get hate-filled, vitriolic comments almost everyday, and those people aren’t trying to help me. They’re filled with hate because they think I’m taking up too much space on our planet…That’s just pathetic.
It’s amazing the things people will say when they hide behind anonymity.
But nobody has ever told me anything that was worse than some things I’ve told myself in moments of shame.
I’ve decided that if I’ve chosen a public platform than, to a certain extent, I open myself to those attacks. But maybe I can help myself and someone else in the process—then it’s worth it. That said, I’ve only received minor criticism up to this point.
If you’re helping people—that’s gotta be worth the BS right?
As sometime evidenced by other’s experience, shame from outside sources does nothing to speed along weight loss. It just makes them either hide in their shells or overcompensate in other ways.
It is shame from ourselves that keeps us going in the right direction. So the answer to your question: Yes. Recognizing disappointment about your own actions does aid in becoming skinny. I recognize my own binges (yes, they still happen) and get right back on the horse. It’s gonna happen – but you are way ahead of the curve – you binged, recognized it, then went to work out again! How cool is that! Most of us (even myself when I started) would have chucked the whole day out the door and justified worse eating, haha. Pick yourself up and get back on the horse the next minute, that’s the key.
Everytime I get back on the horse she winces—is that bad?
Don’t worry girl…I’m working on it.
As always Rae, your honesty is always welcome (encouraged) here.
Ok. I admit to googling the definition of shame to help me out. Then I googled humiliation as that was part of the definition. So I am already smarter…thank you.
Part of shame was about consciousness…and I agree that I totally need that. I need to be aware of what I am doing, why I am doing it and what I could be doing instead.
The second part was humiliation about the consciousness. Then the further googling revealed a lack of self respect as the definition of humiliated. That is where I draw the line for me. Lack of self-respect has caused me much of my problems. It was only when I decided to respect myself as much as others in my life respect me that I called myself into action. When I decided to see myself with the eyes that my husband and daughter see me then I decided that I deserved better and out of self respect for myself I started moving. When I start to feel the lack of respect for myself that is where the binging comes in for me. What gets me out of it is respecting myself.
Shame keeps me spiraling in the the wrong direction. So I need to respect myself and be conscious of what I am doing. I don’t know what the word is for that.
Thanks for the brain workout today!
Adelyn—-yeah I should probably edit myself for more clarity—but I’m fortunate that you stuck with the concept and have contributed to the conversation to eloquently.
I like how you add the distinction between the shame that enables and the shame that disables. I wish I would have thought of it first but glad you said it.
Hi Chris! I popped over here to look at *what’s the good word with Chris* and was surprised and delighted to see my post mentioned!
You can get to the same goal as shame would without any negativity involved. Ask: What do I need to do to quickly get back on track? A honest answer will get you to do what shame would tell you to do. But honestly, kicking myself over and over last summer was pure futility. I mostly made myself extremely ashamed and nothing much else. Since, I chucked the shame, I still have consciousness, but no longer waste my valuable energy ruminating (I know you’ll enjoy that word!) on negativity.
And it’s 100x easier to go to the gym because I’m going to have a freakin’ great time with my gym buddies than drag myself and the ball and chain of willpower/ responsibility over there. Just sayin’.
You’re a class act Marion
Fantastic blog post, it really does make you think… shame motivates soo many of us (myself included) and most people (myself included) don’t even realize it until someone (or a blog post) points it out… and honestly it’s NOT healthy. maybe to some degree it is, but beating oneself up about it is almost like stepping backwards. Personally, I need to remember that I’m doing this not because I hate myself now and want to change myself, but because I deserve to be as fast, strong, and healthy as I can be!
So thanks for the wake-up call
Thanks Kayla. How are you feeling?
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