Let me tell you what it feels like to be committed to health for two months, and then be half-assed for twice that amount since.
Imagine someone you care about. Let’s say you’ve done something wrong and you are afraid to tell them. Or, flip it, maybe they have hurt you and you lack the courage or skill to confront them.
If you are an exceptional person, you immediately admit your fault to the person you care about in or you confront them regarding their fault in hopes of reconciliation.
But either a confession or a confrontation means that you might have to make yourself uncomfortable. Actually, it’s worse than that — you might be exposed for what you really are and it might be ugly. Better to keep the secret, the self-talk goes, and enjoy a wave a comfort that will eventually wash out on the dry shore of unflattering reality. A beached whale. Fat metaphors.
Imagine having to have that conversation with yourself.
I’ve cheated on myself with myself. Of course I don’t mean this in a sexual way, but I’ve made a commitment to health, broken it but not admitted it, and have kept the facade of commitment while still pursuing other things secretly.
That’s why I haven’t been writing. My hypocrisy only goes so far — I can lie to myself but not to you. Everyone’s morality has a boundary right?
So in coming clean. Here’s the full confession:
What do I weigh? Not sure—but I bet somewhere around 330. I had planned to be somewhere around 275 by now. That’s tough to write.
I have been spotty with the gym. Over the last month I’ve probably worked out 10 times. Hitting weights pretty hard strangely.
Since we’ve had the house on the market, we keep it pretty spotless. Cooking at home has become rare. Also showings tend to happen after work— right about dinner time. Not an excuse, but worth noting. Food has been for dealing with stress, not for nutrition.
As you all have mentioned repeatedly, food journaling is the best way to keep yourself honest. I do it inconsistently and this is probably the biggest culprit of last several weeks.
It’s not acceptable. This is harder than I thought. I regret the tone of arrogance in past posts describing short term wins. What good is a 1st quarter lead if you you’re down by 30 at halftime?
June is halftime. I’m nervous I’m not going to pull this one out. Sincerely. But I’m not quitting.
There have been moments of cold water being splashed on the face: My wife asking if I’m still doing this, Marion’s comments, a stranger I ran into saying she was a subscriber.
Cold water never feels good at first— but that accountability has helped in a cumulative sense, reminding me of the commitment I made. I don’t want to be someone who breaks commitments.
Aside: I forgot my wallet today. Nothing like an inconvenient mistake to help you evaluate how things are going in life.
So I’m not making any new promises. There will be a weigh-in this Friday (yikes). There will be some gameplan changeup that I’ll share later. I’m getting up, dusting off and going back out.